#i'm getting increasingly more worried this is covid

[nexus-nebulae]

my lungs feel Bad

[my-castles-crumbling]

hey cas,

so, i dont really know exactly how to word things right so please bear with me while i try to explain a bit.

i think i have bipolar disorder (or something similar, im still looking into things), but i dont know if im just going crazy and imagining things. theres not really anyone in my life i can talk to about it to gauge their opinion, so im kind of left by myself to deal with it.

i dont have a trusted adult or loved one i can go to for help, and ive not been to a doctor since probably 2017 at the latest so im not even sure who id be making an appointment with to discuss anything like this. ive considered trying to get myself into therapy but im afraid that if i go in saying that i think im bipolar and have other mental illnesses (im about 99% certain i have anxiety and likely some sort of depressive disorder too, but that might be more linked with the mood swings of bipolar) that its the wrong way to go about it? like, i might just be really ignorant but i dont think thats how therapy works is it?

basically im worried that if i go in saying the disorders i think i have, then theyll tell me im exaggerating or that i need other people to back me up or that i do need to see my gp doctor (which, again, i dont actually think i have one) or that it isnt my place to try to diagnose myself etc.

im not really sure what im asking here? maybe if you have any advice/experience about what therapy is actually like or what i could expect? or a better way to go about getting help? i really dont know honestly aha, sorry

Well, you've definitely come to the right place lol, I've been to and ghosted many a therapist! (Don't ghost your therapist!)

Actually, recently I started therapy again and it's been a great experience, so let me tell you about it. Warning: I live in the US, so if you live elsewhere, it might be different.

When you start therapy, they're going to ask you a LOT of questions. Lots about your background, your childhood, your feelings, etc. It'll feel a bit invasive, but make sure to be honest! Like brutally honest. Like if you're like...'I might be feeling this way but idk if I'm faking..' tell them that. They need to know everything.

Then, if you're a minor, they'll talk to your parents and get their insight. If you have issues with your parents, make sure to tell them that BEFORE this part happens, so they can take what your parents say with a grain of salt.

Last, they'll give you a 'tentative diagnosis.' This means that this is what they think you have, but it's not a die-hard medical diagnosis. They'll treat you based on this, but if you ever wanted accommodations in school or anything for it, you would have to go to a clinical psychiatrist to get it written up.

Here's the thing: the diagnosis my surprise you or even make you feel invalidated. If it does? Tell them that. Because, two things: One- they may have gotten something wrong. Or two- they need to know if you aren't understanding something fully.

To be very personal, I am diagnosed with both depression and anxiety. When I started therapy recently and again got those diagnoses, I wasn't surprised. But I also was told I have 'illness-anxiety disorder' which is the new term for a hypochondriac. I was super insulted because I was picturing the stereotypical hypochondriac who fakes illnesses for attention (this was uneducated of me) but my therapist explained that this version of anxiety more means that I have a lot of anxiety related to being nervous to get sick or the results of getting sick. Which was like- oh. yeah. I do panic every time someone sneezes on me. My therapist said this has become increasingly common since COVID.

All this to say it sounds like seeking out therapy might be a great way for you to get the answers you're looking for. But even if they're not the answers you think they'll be, remember that your feelings and experiences are still extremely valid and no less real.

<3 <3 <3

[funnuraba]

Today is #WorldMEDay. I've been on SSI disability my entire adult life, but I wasn't physically disabled except for glasses and chronic migraines before Covid. In March 2020, I got a sore throat that made me worry, but no other symptoms developed, so I brushed it off. I'd read that people were getting sore throats from adjusting to masks.

That was the year my beloved cat started to decline rapidly. His kidneys got very bad, and in October I had to have him put down. I thought to myself that I would never forgive nonmaskers for keeping things so bad that my cat had to be distressed and frightened inside a carrier for half an hour at the end of his life, instead of being able to have the vet come to our house. By December, I myself felt so sick and exhausted that I would think, Thank god this only happened after he died, because I couldn't take care of him properly now.

Gradually I started spending more time in bed. After nearly four years of asking doctors about an increasingly long list of new physical symptoms, suggesting disease after disease and being told nothing except "Nope, not that one. Your tests are fine. Go home," somebody in my family finally mentioned ME/CFS to me. At that point it was too late; I'd been pushing myself through the fatigue for too long and was essentially bedbound. As I type this, I haven't gone further than the end of my driveway in six months. When I do that, I have to lie down and rest before I turn around. Digesting solid food is exhausting. No part of my body works right anymore. I'm trying LDN, which has some anecdotal support. There's no actual treatment, because nobody has ever really studied this disease. I feel a tiny bit better with the LDN. But it stops working randomly for some people. So I don't have any long term hope.

At this point I'm sure I had Covid in March 2020, and that my cat caught it from me and that shortened his life (although he was 17). ME accounts for about 50% Long Covid cases. A lot of people in the world are "exhausted" lately. There are no treatments for ME except lying in bed doing nothing, spending as much time as possible in total darkness and silence. If you get to the Very Severe end of the scale, you become completely intolerant of light, sound, human presence, solid food. You just lie still, unable to speak and trying not to die. As I type this I'm getting the pressure in my skull that means I'm pushing myself too hard. I have to rest if I don't want to get worse. But sometimes it happens randomly anyway.

[limiteddefinitives]

Starting anew

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains...

I am struggling with the existentialism that my 26th year has brought me. For the first time I feel as though I am truly disillusioned by the mounting darkness that I cannot appreciate the invariable goodness this world offers. I am deeply disappointed in the reality I find myself in as an adult. This was not what I imagined when I day dreamed of growing older. I expected greater organized collaboration and competency among fellow adults. I don't know why.

I am not a teenager anymore yet I don't feel all that different inside. I understand many, if not most adults share this perception. I am constantly afraid of the future, growing older and what that will mean for me. I feel as though I was cheated out of certain life experiences and milestones since the damn virus wrecked this world. I am often mourning who I would be if that had never taken place or if we were at least collectively building strong virus mitigation infrastructure. Surely I would be a more capable, self assured woman with deeper friendships and always in line with my purpose. But like imagining who I would be if my father had never died, I know this is a hollow, mind spinning exercise.

I am constantly searching for a system to tell me how to function in all circumstances despite wanting free will. I am confused. I used to have a system of righteous social justice to guide me. I maintain pieces of that but I have witnessed enough to understand that individual rigidity, judgement and punishment are futile. I think I am lost because I'm lacking a sense of belonging to a larger community outside of my work. And I've known long before starting this career that your work can never love you back.

I am in a much better position than most people my age - I can afford my cost of living with no debt and I'm able to put away some savings. I try not to take this for granted. I always tip and share with my friends and family by unconditionally giving them money directly or buying them things that they need or want. I also occasionally donate to personal fundraisers and grassroots organizations.

I am often ruled by the distress that I will be reinfected with covid and consequently permanently disabled. This is now more in the realm of possibility than not with the way my society has abandoned collective precautions and as public health becomes increasingly individualized. I know this virus did fuck something up inside my body because my lingering symptoms include Raynaud's in my feet and a sore neck that cannot seem to hold my head up for extended periods of time. I wear my well fitted mask when possible, I always feel more comfortable and assured when I wear it. I feel safer when I witness another person/people in vicinity also wearing a mask. I am learning how to tune out the projected reactions and misunderstandings from the people who see me covering my nose and mouth. Most people are misinformed, in denial or cannot bear to break social norms alone. It amazes me how much stress is alleviated when I am in public with a friend who is masking too. The two of us grounded in reality and not denial! I am confused as to when I will be able to get an updated covid vaccine. Since 2021 I have received 5 MRNA Pfizer vaccines. The two primary series doses, two boosters and one bivalent vaccine. The last time I was vaccinated was January 2023 and I am getting anxious that the protection has completely waned. This fall I will try to get a Novavax dose because researched and anecdotal evidence demonstrate that this is the only vaccine that can prevent virus transmission, after 3 doses. Additionally, people with long covid report some symptom resolve or relief after receiving Novavax.

I worry about the levels of illness in our world population by 2030; after ten years of international covid spread and multiple asymptomatic infections undetected. I worry about the social disease of misinformation and the crumbling relational networks of basic trust and safety. I fear we will become more cruel and apathetic towards each other individually and institutionally.

There is hope. Strikes and workers rights are back on the table. Workers are banding together and demanding more pay, benefits and rethinking workplace expectations. Working from home is a huge gain for various workers. We are also fighting to solidify expansive gender identities as a natural part of human diversity. I have faith that we will win this, we have already won a degree of gay acceptance. It will take a few years of fighting and resistance but we will succeed. Neurodiversity is also being more widely recognized, named and accommodated for especially in populations that have/are historically been pathologized based on race and gender, myself included. White people are reckoning with our legacies of oppression, and the privileges that it unfairly bestows us. Indigenous peoples are healing together, decolonizing and demanding for justice and land reparations. All of the above must continue. I would like us to also pay attention to and work to address our human right to personal data privacy on the internet, and increasingly recognize and respect the rights of children as autonomous human beings.

Within the next couple of years, I will continue to work on developing, launching and maintaining the period pantry and earning my sexual health educator certificate. I also want to find a community to be a part of, I want to deepen my friendships, I want to stay connected with my sisters and my other aging family members.

I am stereotypical Barbie, and like her I must not lay down and give up. Doing it alone will always be too overwhelming, I need relationships with others if I want to accomplish anything.

XO

Kari from the future (present)

[blueseaspiderlily]

I haven't posted here in a couple years-- mostly because I realized I genuinely just am not the type to really uh. Type a lot on this, especially nowadays.

Like, none of this has gone away, in actuality, but my feelings on like... a LOT of things about me in general just. Have stayed numbed out. Including this.

Like, I reread a post I made back in 2021, and... ...unfortunately, my bad memory? My sense of self? The numbness? Hasn't... really. Left. Hell, I think my memory has gotten worse, potentially due to long covid bullshit.

Along with that, I increasingly am unsure on where I personally stand on what all of this is to me. My current spirituality is... not knowing how to even approach that, not having a space to approach that, feeling increasingly unsafe TO approach that within this christian household and. Living in Texas where other aspects of my identity (being queer, being trans) are more under fire.

(albeit, less for me than others, given I'm not out IRL at all. but even still)

Hell, even online, I'm worried on who might come across my kin talk. I guess I really just don't feel safe being open in general. Which is why spots like the dreamwidth is nice, even if I haven't posted there in a long time, but it's still...

Maybe I'm a coward. But I'm also just... incredibly tired. Emotionally, physically. I'm 28, got less than a couple years to 30, chronically ill but no diagnosis because no health insurence, realizing how deeply my possible autism really does effect me (NOT TO MENTION coming to the slow realization of how much I really had masked and what that meant and what that means for my identity in general)

My everything is still weird and I don't think that's gonna get better any time soon, lol.

[xanonymouscatharsisx]

Cw: queerphobia, racism, all sorts of bigotry, suicidal ideation

This one isn't about abuse. Well, not family abuse.

I really just have something very dark to say and don't want to worry anyone close to me but I need to voice it.

I'm... Honestly having a really hard time starting. Really just a hard time in general but...

I've disclosed that I am queer, as well as Indigenous, and I think I mentioned that I'm in Canada. If I didn't before, I did now.

The last... Like 6 years have just been getting increasingly harder and harder to have hope. Like period. I can mostly handle my own stuff in my personal life, but everything in the world...

This last weekend was a shooting at a queer club in Colorado. Club Q. During the trans week of visibility as well as the day before trans day of remembrance. I literally woke up to that being the first piece I saw.

Every day. I look at the US and I see the cesspool that hatred has started. Not in the whole country, mind you, but there are a handful of states I will absolutely never feel safe visiting. Laws where rights are taken away from women, laws taking away the rights of queer and trans kids. My heart breaks.

And so much more terrifying is the violence. The shootings, the murder... I'm scared. Because all of this is being pushed by hateful people with absolutely no regard for someone's life. And I don't understand this disconnect. At all. I just... I don't understand what makes lawmakers and loud GOP voices say horrifying hateful things towards groups of people, turning around to offering thoughts and prayers when their words spurred on terrorism. Call it what it is.

Except... That's not the biggest thing that scares me. What terrifies me is that we have people in Canada looking up to the GOP that yeah this is totally right and good. They've already tried to limit abortion access here, and don't get me started on one party's complete f*cking lack of support for a bill that would ban conversion therapy.

I live hyper aware of queerphobia and MMIWG2S. Because that's me. I'm AFAB, I'm Indigenous, I'm queer. And I live in fear. Every day. Covid just gave me the excuse to almost never leave the house honestly, and while I was concerned about it, it wasn't specifically seeking out someone who looks like me. But the hatred...

And I know why it scares me. My own past, I have people that just simply don't respect me because I'm Indigenous, or queer, or AFAB. And I am so terrified that that line of where they stop with that hatred will blur and they will move to violence. And honestly, it doesn't exactly seem too far off when you look at some of the terrorist events in the last few years.

All of this also makes my relationship with my own su*cidal ideation really f*cking weird. Just... So weird.

For the most part, I have a handle on it. I'm not planning daily how to... You know. I'm just kind of wishing for some sort of freak accident that takes me out or I just don't wake up. I heard someone else recently describe this in a podcast, the wanting to die but not necessarily doing anything about it. I honestly don't think that's talked about enough.

Now, there's a million reasons I don't want to die. For one, spite. If you think I'm letting certain people outlive me by my choosing, f*ck no. For another, having lost multiple people to this... It has a very different impact on you. Yeah sure, everyone is sad when it happens, but there's also the survivor's guilt. I also have this weird jealousy and this anger, and also a kind of happiness for them. Especially that they weren't around for this sh*t show. And often times, all of these feelings and more all at once.

Which culminates in the feeling of I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

I honestly don't see a lot of hope. And one of the worst part is is that those who hate are never, and will never be willing to sit down and have a conversation with someone who they hate just because of the colour of their skin, or who they're attracted to, or their gender, or whatever the fuck else.

I actually got really mad at a podcast clip I saw yesterday, to the point I almost threw my phone across the room. It was two men talking, one was trying to read a study of toxic masculinity. I'm not going into the intracacies of that right now. The other man WOULD NOT LET HIM because a person in anti-depressants shouldn't be educating people about being happy. He said very close to those words.

I had another thing of terrible news as well on Sunday. A few people in Saskatoon had posted that their police service has still been continuing the practice of starlight tours. Look up Neil Stonechild or starlight tours yourself cuz I just... Don't have this one in me today. And I didn't even learn about these growing up. That's pretty f*cked up in hindsight but I guess, AFAB probably doesn't make that cut.

I keep trying really hard to hold out hope that we can teach hateful and insecure people empathy. It's... So f*cking hard though. There comes a point where you give up. That's how Black Lives Matter really grew, the reason Idle No More got started... So many hurt people trying to just be heard and trying to not hurt others along the way. And the other side just sticks their fingers in their ears, closes their eyes, and puts violence in the minds of their followers who in turn pull the trigger.

I don't have a lot of hope left. And I'm scared of what will happen when I run out completely, and so much more scared that that seems to be going so much faster than I thought it would. And a part of me is hoping that my current medical problems will result in taking that option away from me. I'm just... So tired.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

I made this post nearly two years ago. Read a thing last week that made me think about it again. Bringing it back to write some stuff that I thought. It's not particularly relevant to most of my blog.

I’m bringing this post back because I’ve started using Facebook again. From about 2007, when it first became a thing, until 2019, I went on there fairly regularly. I didn’t post all that often, but I did once in a while, and it’s how I kept in touch with people. In 2020, I watched my feed flood with conspiracy theories and anti-vax/mask/mandate shit, and it made me really depressed as I thought about how many of my life choices have led me to most know people who respond to a global crisis that way. I got increasingly depressed about it, until more than a year ago now, I worked out that I can just download the Messenger app for desktop, the same way I have it on my phone. Meaning I can use the messaging system, which is the only thing I actually do on there anymore, without actually opening Facebook. So I stopped opening Facebook and my mental health got slightly less bad, as I wasn’t get furious about the conspiracy theories every day.

But now I’m opening the website again. I’ve started going to the local comedy nights, and performing very occasionally on open mic spots, and the way to ask for spots/check who’s on in a given week is through Facebook. So I’ve joined their Facebook group and I’ve started opening the website and I could just go straight to the comedy group and ignore everything else, but once I’m there, I keep getting drawn into what else is on my feed.

And God, it’s annoying. It made me remember this post I made almost exactly two years ago now, in November 2021. The COVID conspiracy posts have slowed down now, just because they have less to fight about now that restrictions have lowered so much. But I still remember who made those posts. I remember everything they said. I go to training sessions, and a few times in the last year I’ve traveled to events and seen people from other teams, and we’re all supposed to be happy to see each other, as though I don’t remember who posted what on Facebook for two years. As though when the trucker convoy took over my city and made the downtown core, where I live, unusable for weeks, I didn’t sit in my bedroom and listen to the commotion out of my window and see posts on my Facebook from people who’d driven hours to “support the truckers”.

And now we’re supposed to have a friendly chat in the coaches’ room while eating the coaches’ lunch provided during a break in the tournament. You drove six hours to stand outside my actual front door and contribute to terrorizing my city, I don’t want to have a nice conversation about whether my kids can beat up your kids over homemade chili. I don’t care if my kids can beat up your kids anymore.

Anyway. The point is that I'm using Facebook again. And it got me thinking about this bullshit again. And I saw a post a few days ago that I can't stop thinking about. I normally wouldn't copy something written on my Facebook feed here, because I don't believe in taking things from one bit of social media and putting them on another social media to make fun of the person (as opposed to what I did above, which is copy from another social media to highlight a very relevant Tweet). But this wasn't written by someone I know, the person I know was just copying something that was written and published by a public figure. And therefore, it's fair game for me to copy a bit of it here.

IF I COULD DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN

If I could do it all over again, I would take advantage of every practice. I would push myself to the limit, and then further each day. If I could do it all over again, I wouldn’t worry so much about winning but instead about enforcing my will upon my opponent, and let the winning take care of itself. If I could do it all over again, I would refuse to feel sorry for myself whenever I experienced failure or defeat. Instead, I would use it as motivation to move forward, work harder, and gain perspective. And I would always remind myself that failure is not something to be feared but something to learn from. If I could do it all over again, I would pursue veterans of the sport: listen to them, learn from them, and take full advantage of their knowledge and experience. If I could do it all over again, I wouldn’t dread encounters with tough opponents, I would desire them. I would seek out the best and set a course to defeat and conquer. If I could do it all over again, I would fight through pain and fatigue when my body yearns to shut down. For the greatest sorrow in losing a wrestling match might be “giving up” rather than merely losing. If I could do it all over again, I would avoid thinking about wrestling as something to extract my own glory or self-worth, and instead view it as a gift to engage. If I could do it all over again, I would soak in the atmosphere of big tournaments – state and national – and thank God for the experience.

And it just made me think... really? Is this what some people really, genuinely come away thinking? I've learned not to assume anyone's being figurative anymore, they mean the stuff they say.

My knee is fucked from years of pushing it too hard, if I could do it again I'd put more time into proper stretching to avoid long-term damage. If I could do my competitive career again, I'd cut much, much less weight, so that maybe I'd now be able to enjoy cooking and even watching shows about food, instead of being in a position where I can enjoy eating but get anxious if I think about food for any longer than is necessary. If I could do it again, I'd calm the fuck down about a whole lot of it. And I wouldn't thank God for anything.

But I would do some of that. I'd probably soak in the atmosphere a little more. Slow down and try to focus on where I am, when I'm on the mat at a scary national-level or international tournament, rather than rushing through it all. It's not all bad advice. It's just fucked up if people take every word of it literally. And people do! They do! People are out there running gyms during lockdowns and setting kids' shoes on fire! Okay, one of those examples is fictional, but it comes from the same place!

That last line is interesting, though. There's a huge amount of crossover between sports and religion. A phenomenon I've seen a lot is people starting the sport while being only casually religious - I've seen this happen with Christians and Muslims, I'm sure it happens with other religions too - and the more they get into the sport, the deeper they get into their religion too. I think it's because there's so much similar messaging. Do things our way and you'll be better, stronger, more worthy and valuable than others. Than those outsiders who don't follow the right way like we do. When they get really into those messages through one thing, it also deepens their faith in the other. And then they don't get vaccinated because their strict training regime and also their God will protect them from COVID.

I think that's why there's also so much in all those connecting circles in a Venn diagram that includes sports, religion, and those fucking podcasts. You know, the podcasts. Your Jordan Petersons and Joe Rogans and all the more extreme types to which those two are a gateway. Particularly Jordan Peterson. They're all preaching the same message, aren't they? Do this right and you get to be above everyone else. The laws of reality don't need to apply to you. If you work hard enough you can set your shoes on fire and won't get burned. You can walk even if the doctor says you need a wheelchair. You can survive a novel corona virus. You can train on an injured knee. You can assert your dominance over that woman who doesn't want to date you or that trans person who walks around having pronouns. You're better than they are.

It's a thing I see. It's a Venn diagram I hate. It's a life choice I've been questioning lately. I could run away and live in the mountains of Newfoundland, you know. Perhaps start a socialist commune in the Scottish Highlands. Never again hear about any fucking podcast that isn't hosted by Cecil Palmer or Andrew Zaltzman, maybe Stuart Goldsmith. Maybe, if I could do it over again, I'd have walked out back in 2004, never looked back, and instead spent my life going to watch slam poetry and hanging out in that liberal bubble I hear so much about. That sounds like a nice place to live.

I’m halfway through Cobra Kai season 3, and I need to highlight something that’s happened in it. This will be a brief break from the British comedy content; raving about our Lord and Saviour Victoria Coren Mitchell will return shortly.

Spoiler alert for anyone who hasn’t seen the show and is planning to watch. Cobra Kai isn’t really the point of this post so I won’t go into that much detail about it, but I do mention an important plot point.

Keep reading

[saintqueer]

first, i wanted to say thank you for your super long response essay to the earlier anon! i feel like your thoughts are always so nuanced and you laid everything out so patiently and thoughtfully! if you happen to read this and answer it, great, and if not no worries! take the time away from public fandom you need if you need it, take care of yourself and do what makes you feel good!

i guess my thoughts are half-question/half-theory. i definitely agree with you that it seems like there's been a real shift in energy from hl since 2020 and especially lately (and especially that we're missing a piece of the puzzle), but my question for you is, at least the way i read your essay (and totally could be misunderstanding you or missing nuance) it seems like you feel like at least some of this is coming from h&l themselves? and i wondered why?

at least for me, i've picked up on that shift, but i also feel like i'm picking up on a sense that h&l, and especially h, has a lot of plans going a bit off the rails/not to plan atm in general, which would obviously affect louis' plans to the extent they're larry-related/adjacent. i mean, as a glaring example, i can't imagine that whatever is happening with holivia right now is what they intended for this stunt - for most of the news around harry's first major leading role to be about whether or not he was a homewrecker who spent so much time sleeping with his director that the quality of the film suffered. (if that was the plan... idk man, get better pr people). it feels like a plan was made based on the original filming schedule, and between covid delays and post-production, the stunt is lumbering on without any real renegotiation despite the fact that an almost 2 year 'relationship' with no official confirmation in the face of what appears to be a custody battle and increasingly mainstream rumors about on-set behavior makes no sense and looks bad. (olivia's been notably silent on other projects she was supposed to have in progress, so again, something maybe happening behind the scenes there).that also ties in to something i thought when h was announcing his residencies and am coming back around to - that we may be seeing the end/untangling of harry's contractual obligations with jeff/full stop/maybe even CAA. (for good or for ill, as a former lawyer, i see him shoving all of those residencies in and can't help but think that's a way to meet a contractual obligation for a set number of tour dates that goes with his album obligations, since he doesn't seem to be planning on touring harry's house separately, and he's certainly distanced himself from the azoff set of celebrities he used to be more tied to, like kendall). and as for louis, i'm sure whatever plans he had made are inextricably affected by h's plans, especially if we're looking at something to do with bbg ending (idk....).

obviously there's a lot going on behind the scenes we don't know, but i just wanted to say i've picked up on a lot of the same vibes it seems you have, but i'm also just feeling like h's pr in particular is just... flailing, rather than part of a planned/coordinated push in line with h's long-term goals.

dude, you say that I articulate things well? the way you explained this was so perfect.

basically, i agree with most of what you're saying here and have had similar thoughts as well. like ive begun suspecting over the last 6 months that olivia is more central to whatever has been going down in the last year with both HL.

and i DO think harry is at the end of his rope with a lot of stuff. and i do think louis has made a lot of adjustments based on various factors.

ive entertained so many different ideas and possibilities that could explain the uniqueness of the past year even including blackmail. never landing on one because obviously i don't know shit. for me, the biggest confusion comes from them seeming to play along harder than usual while still looking miserable.

like i know olivia is a nightmare, but if harry really WANTED to sell it, he could do better. louis still looks far more happy with a stranger's child than his supposed son, he could be more convincing. YET they are still playing along far more and relentlessly than ever before imo.

about your question of why i think part of it is coming from HL, i should probably clarify. i don't think hl are sitting there like "this would be a great idea" but i do think that certain things can be avoided and i had hoped we would be past things like shitting on larries in a fans DMs or blocking your biggest UA. i would think that there would be a way to push the babygate narrative without flying a child out to a foreign country to spend the day with strangers. i feel like, despite the ways they are still constrained by narrative, i would hope that they would have the ability to the use the less harmful way of pushing it.

they very well might have a big grand plan they are working towards completing. nothing would make me happier. but the way things are constantly shifting and never in a specific and consistent direction, more and more it just feels like they are chickens running around with their heads cut off.

louis wants to be successful, harry doesn't want to lose the opportunities he has gained. i don't blame them for that, but we get caught in the crossfire. but not only us. THEY get caught in the crossfire because they don't seem all that happy and content to me. they seem tired of playing the game but utterly unwilling to stop because they are terrified of what will happen if they do. more than self-protection for me, it's like i want to protect myself from having to watch them run themselves into the ground with work and lies that can't be undone all leading up to some kind of horrific george-michael-esque outing scandal that i know will just break my heart because they deserve so much more. because the industry will turn on them one day no matter how well they play by its rules.

[kudzushadow]

There for You | Part 1 of 3 | A Harlivy Fanfiction

Summary: After Harley finds Ivy in tears on the floor of the bathroom, realization dawns on her about how hard the past year had been on Ivy, from literally dying (1x12) to mind control. (2x12) They have a heartfelt conversation about the events leading up to the moment, and learn that sometimes it's ok to confide in the ones you care for. (Based on the scene from Eat Bang! Kill Tour: Issue #1)

Hurt/Comfort | TW: Past trauma mentions, slight hints of past abuse. | Spoilers for Harley Quinn: The Animated Series & Eat Bang! Kill Tour: Issue #1

See bottom for extra notes!

-

"...Ive?" Harley's eyes widened as she rounded a corner and was greeted with a sight that made her heart ache.

Ivy sat on the bathroom floor, head buried in her hands as her whole body shook with sobs. 

Harley was immediately kneeling by her side, arms wrapping protectively around her girlfriend without a second of hesitation. "Shh. It's alright, Ive. Everything's going to be ok…" Ivy had been acting strange since the wedding, but she hadn't been willing to open up to Harley. Now Harley was beyond worried, it was clearly more serious than the redhead had been letting on.

Ivy immediately relaxed into the blonde, tucking her face into Harley's chest. Eventually her sobs quieted down, but Harley could feel her trembling as she held her. While she tried to figure out what to say, she rubbed Ivy’s back comfortingly. 

After a couple moments of silence, after holding Ivy, feeling her tremble, listening to her uneven breathing… seeing her tear stained cheeks… realization began to dawn on Harley. God, she was so stupid and oblivious! She’d been so focused on her own feelings, she hadn’t even begun to consider Ivy’s… and how hard it must’ve been, being stuck in the middle of everything. 

“Ivy… I'm sorry. I’m so sorry… I’ve been so caught up in my own feelings, I hadn’t given any thought to how heavy all of this must weigh on you…” She brushed a strand of hair from Ivy’s face before continuing. “You’ve been through so much this past year, and I’ve been a pretty shitty friend. I should’ve been there for you, I should’ve helped you, should’ve protected you… and if I could go back in time and do it all differently, I would. A thousand times over.”

“...but I can’t, and that’s something I’ll regret as long as I live. Yet you’ve always been there for me, even when I created huge messes… when I joined the Legion of Doom, when I went back to Joker, when I released an army of parademons, when the Injustice League froze me… god, that last one sucked. Yet you rescued me. You always rescue me, Ive. Always help me. Always take care of me, even though I’m not sure I deserve it most of the time…” Harley looked away, shutting her eyes for a moment before forcing herself to continue. “...Ivy, you don’t have to pretend to be strong in front of me. You’re hurting… and that’s ok. We all hurt sometimes, but that doesn’t make us weak… or… or less human. I’m here now though. I want to share that burden with you, if you’ll let me.” Harley looked back at Ivy, giving her hand a gentle squeeze. “I love you, Ive. I love you so much… and if you ever… yknow, want to talk about… well, anything at all, really… I just want you to know I’m here.” 

Ivy turned her head away, and the next few minutes passed slowly in silence. Harley held Ivy, didn’t once let go, but with each passing second she became increasingly worried she’d done something wrong. Was it something she’d said? Oh god, had she made it worse? 

“Ive, I didn’t mean-”

“Harley.” Ivy pulled away slightly, raising her head so she could meet Harley’s wide blue eyes. “I-” She paused, choking back a sob. “I hurt you, I hurt Chuck… I hurt so many people… all because I didn’t know what I wanted then… and to be honest, I’m not sure what I want now, either…”

Harley’s heart dropped, and she opened her mouth to respond before Ivy cut her off.

“-...but Harley… so much has happened. You’ve made mistakes, I’ve made mistakes… and you’re trying to change… that’s good, and I’m proud of you… but you're right, we can’t change the past, no matter how hard we try.” Ivy shut her eyes, letting out a shaky exhale before continuing. “Opening up… relationships… hell, just being around other people is… is hard for me… but you showed me the good in humanity. That not all humans are… are monsters. My life before I met you… was… lonely. Even with all my plants, I had nobody to talk to. Nobody to confide in… but I liked it that way. It was safe. Nobody was going to judge me, or… or abandon me... and I guess that’s why I… why I chose Chuck… because he was the safer option.”

I trust you, with my life… but I don’t trust you with my heart.

Harley winced inwardly, but she understood where Ivy was coming from. Harley definitely didn’t have the best track record with… well, anything really. 

So I… I’m marrying Kiteman.

“I was… I was scared. Scared that if I… if I went with what my heart was telling me, it was just going to get broken… and after everything, I just… I couldn’t stand the idea of that happening. Of losing you again…” Ivy trailed off, tears pricking at the corners of her eyes.

You were my one friend, and I asked you for one favor, but instead you ditched me for the Joker, who treats you like shit! 

“Ivy… I had no idea you felt that way.” Harley spoke softly, using her free hand to lift Ivy’s chin so she could look into those beautiful green eyes… eyes whose depths she often found herself lost in. “I… didn’t know what I really wanted then. It was like… like I was trying to fill a hole inside me… like part of me was missing… and then, that night at the pit…” She smiled, using her thumb to brush a tear from Ivy’s cheek. “That was one of the most amazing nights of my life. I hadn’t realized… I hadn’t realized what it felt like to have someone else care about you. To have someone love you. Joker definitely never cared about me… not in the way you do… and... y'know, maybe I didn’t deserve it. Like I said, I haven’t always been the most reliable… but that changes today… if you’ll give me a shot, that is…”

Ivy looked up at Harley as she brushed the tear away, and smiled sadly. “...You’re trying to change… and that’s what matters. Harls, I do love you. A lot…. More than I care to admit… and… this whole relationship thing is new to me, but… I’m… I’m willing to give it a shot. To give you a shot… and today… today was proof of how much you’ve changed. How much you’re willing to sacrifice for others…” Ivy rested her head on Harley’s shoulder, but her mind was clearly wandering.

“...but that’s not all that’s troubling you, is it?”

“...perceptive as always.” Ivy chuckled halfheartedly, then looked away again. “It’s… it’s fine. It’s nothing important…”

“Well, I am a psychiatrist… but seriously Ive, you can tell me anything.” Harley stroked her cheek. “You know that.” 

“Harley, I really don’t want to talk about it… can we just… can you help me out of this dress?”

“...yeah. Sure thing.” Harley stood up before reaching out a hand to help Ivy up. She definitely wasn’t going to let this drop that easily, but Ivy clearly didn’t want to talk anymore right now… so instead Harley busied herself with the zipper of Ivy’s wedding dress and the sights underneath.

- End of part 1 -

I think all of it copied and pasted? If it looks like anything is missing please lmk!

This... this is what quarantine, lack of sleep, and having covid does to you. Helps you get over writers block. This is my first work I've gone public with, and originally I wasn't going to post it but a friend gave me the confidence to share it! So... here it is, I guess?

I was going to post it on Archives of Our Own too, but I have to wait till the 14th to get an account. 😐

Comments mean the world, even if it's just a couple words. I'll even take criticism to heart! By commenting you all can let me know what you think, and if you want to see the other parts...

Any interaction is appreciated, and my inbox and dms are always open! Thank you, and have a great day! (Or night!)

[anexperimentallife]

Well crap. The good news is that we might have an answer for my increasingly blurred vision and Bell's Palsey in addition to long covid. The bad news is that it's gonna suck hard.

Apparently two of my most useful meds--one for my nerve damage and one for my allergic rhinitis--can both cause (or exacerbate) both conditions. And the other main allergy med I was on could damage my heart.

Obviously I'm going to wean myself off all of the above, and look for substitutes where I can, but I won't lie--it's gonna be a rough ride.

My MRI is later today (thought it was gonna be yesterday), but the results won't be in until next week.

Don't know if I mentioned this before, but my doc already has me on prednisone and antivirals for the Bell's Palsey, but I'm putting off the eye doctor until we have the MRI back.

If I'm lucky, just weaning myself off those two meds will be enough to restore my pre-covid vision. Next week won't be soon enough to know for SURE, but if they're part of what's wrong I should at least see SOME improvement by then.

It's 8 am here, and I think I got two hours of sleep last night from worrying. Think I'm gonna see if I can grab a nap before the baby wakes up.

Which reminds me--all this testing and treatment is having to come out of out the fundraiser for the situation with out daughter, because it won't do her any good if I get even more messed up than I already am, so please see my pinned post.

[clatterbane]

Today's opthalmology timeline, in a nutshell:

* Finally worked in for a fill-in appointment at a few days' notice, after I had to cancel the last one thanks to what I am still not sure wasn't COVID.

* Have to leave an hour earlier than I was prepared for, on roughly 10 minutes' notice! 😬

* In a freaking wheelchair to help speed everything up, while barely awake and also autistic, and working under Swedish punctuality expectations. With even cab drivers inevitably showing up at least 5 minutes early. 😬

* Does this mean that the Household Swede will adjust the time he asks the cab company to send a ride accordingly? HAHAHAHA.

* (After my last phone update, Samsung's calendar UI is TOTALLY FUCKED. This very much includes the event time display. And Google's is bad enough for me already. 😬)

* We do, indeed, manage to get out and to the cab roughly on time. With all the required shoes, pants, wallets/bags, ID, jackets, and eyeballs about our persons.

* Thanks to the current Plague situation, Mr. C cannot wait in there. Ends up in an atrium area, rather than needing to leave the university hospital buildings entirely.

* They remember NOT to use the dilating drops that I react pretty badly to.

* Hurry up and wait in the hallway!

* Some other guy waiting offers to move a chair out of the way for me. I honestly cannot imagine why. It's not even really in my way, and my arms do mostly work fine.

* Ah, likely the wheels more than some weird sexist assumptions. That's... something, I guess?

* Once again, I am relieved to have half my face behind a mask.

* Finally choke out a vaguely appropriate response in broken-ass Stressed Autistic Person Swedish Mode.

(May sound oddly specific, but this is NOT my first tango.)

* I do not, in fact, sink through the floor.

* The laser table's electric height adjustment mechanism is borked enough today that she has to make two phone calls and summon someone else in to help get it usable.

* Yes please, do not attempt to perform somewhat lengthy and tricky procedures on my retinas while working awkwardly at a roughly 30° tilt--as everyone involved is increasingly distracted by the cricks in their necks. 😬

* After some tinkering under there, Second Phone Call White Coat Lady gets the table top/laser zapping contraption level again, and vaguely capable of moving up and down.

* I decide not to push anyone's luck, and give these proceedings the go ahead once it's at a level that the laser wizard seems satisfied with.

* Which naturally involves hunching my shoulders and neck down and forward a bit. For what turns out to be "only" like 25 minutes (?) straight.

* With the first laser treatment seeming to destabilize things, and Haunted Eyeball springing (another) fresh leak just the other day--and maybe the biggest so far? The swirls of blood in there are enough to obstruct the doctor from seeing that retina well enough to do much zap-zap on it today. 😬

* Yes please, do not attempt to continue playing the world's dullest video game inside my eyeball if you cannot clearly see what you're shooting that laser blaster at.

* This entire situation is not worrying in the least. Nope.

* But, that's okay! She has time to work on the other, so far symptom-free (*fingers crossed*) eye instead, while I'm there!

* More drops to take effect, more waiting out in the hall.

* No further awkward conversations arise. Maybe the dorky clip-on shades also serve as some deterrent. 😎

* More awkward hunched leaning toward the machine. For a probably 45 minute session this time around.

* Finally over for today! 😎

* She cannot find an open appointment anytime soon. But, they will try to work me in ASAP to try again on (hopefully less actively by then) Haunted Eyeball.

* Now, where in the hells did he get to? 🤔

* That last determined stabbing at predictive text options is essentially a monkeys and typewriters level success.

* This communication actually draws his attention enough to come and investigate, at any rate.

* I can finally just about make out ANY of this exchange by the time we get home.

So far, in the more immediate aftermath? This does not seem to be the worst Pupil Dilation Hell migraine. Tomorrow may well be a different story, but I can worry about that then.

Did I mention that I am due in Lund for ANOTHER sedated gastroscopy session in the morning? (I.e., roughly Circadian 3 a.m. for me.) 😬

Because of course I am. Maybe that will be less eventful. *fingers crossed* At least I should be knocked the fuck out for most of it.

Then, once we get home? I may sleep until further notice. When I am not doing my damndest to gobble my way through All The Now Vaguely Swallowable Food that Malmö has to offer.

At least, AFAICT from the shitty shitty current calendar view? Nothing else currently scheduled for at least the next couple of weeks. (When I am anticipating more Fun With Gastroenterology.) We also need to schedule another blood draw for endocrinology, but that can be done at primary care.

That may change at any time, of course. At least they do seem to be trying to play catch-up on several pressing issues the NHS had just been choosing to neglect, such as bleeding retinas and the whole "inability to swallow solids" thing. Not to mention the diabetes, beyond mostly keeping the lifesaving prescriptions coming.

As little as I may enjoy the process sometimes. Also, thus far? Nobody has openly treated me like something stuck to their shoe. That certainly helps make the rest easier to manage.

[sometimesiwrite]

Just a Scratch

B I N G O ! 

Prompt: It’s Just a Scratch

Pairing: Lambert/Aiden; Eskel & Lambden; Implied Geralt/Eskel 

Rating: Teen 

Summary: Lambert and Aiden are moving to start the next leg of their adventure together. Eskel sees them off.

Warnings: Modern AU; bittersweet; friends leaving; implied COVID distancing A/N: For Ben & Jemma

@witcher-rarepair-summer-bingo @continentcakeshop @morethangeraskier​

Read it on AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/33145900

“All set?” Eskel asked, squishing in one final duffel bag into the footwell and backing himself out of the rear door of Aiden’s VW Golf. Anya, Lambert and Aiden's husky mix, dozed sleepily in the back seat despite the excitement, having been rudely awoken at 6:30am to confusedly do her business.

“That’s it,” Aiden shrugged, letting the trunk close with a dull, satisfying thud. He opened his arms questioningly, and Eskel wasted no time pulling him into an affectionate squeeze, touching his hand to the back of Aiden’s head before pulling away. 

“You take care of yourself. Let me know when you make your first stop, alright? Anything goes wrong, just let me know.” 

“We’ll call you from the hotel,” Aiden reassured as he flipped the car keys over his finger.

“I still say we can make it to Port Hope by the end of the day if we push it.” Lambert was tucked under the hood, giving the car one final check for fluid levels (tyre pressure had already been meticulously checked earlier that morning).

Aiden tilted his head, “That’s if you drive and unfortunately the highway patrol doesn’t care about fuel efficiency if you’re going ten over the speed limit.” He ambled his way over behind Lambert to get a cheeky eye-full of his favourite view, “Besides, I need you to put that sexy brain of yours to work for navigation.”

“Oi! Gerroff!” Lambert protested and Aiden backed away, but not before getting in a perfectly resonant smack. “If you had it your way, you horny old bastard, we’d be stopping every two hours to—”

 Eskel pointedly cleared his throat, scratching his head as he met Aiden’s eyes with a mixture of amused pride and endearing awkwardness that Aiden had so quickly grown to love. He would miss Eskel. They'd gotten close over the last five years, close enough that they had become friends of their own—each keeping the other company when Lambert or Geralt was out of town, planning surprises... 

Aiden's proposal had gone perfectly, their crowning achievement of mutual scheming. Lambert didn't even try to deny the fact that he'd cried like a baby—candles, dusk, his favourite hiking trail, champaign. Even Anya had behaved herself. That is, until she decided her owners had been embracing for too long and not paying nearly enough attention to her. Eskel had offered to edit that part out of the video, but Lambert insisted on keeping it in—"What's a special moment without our favourite dingus. Isn't that right, Anya? Are you a dingus? Yes! Yes you are!" 

“Not gonna miss us at all, are ya, big guy?” The hood latched heavily as Lambert wiped his hands and stowed the oil rag in the passenger's side door next to the Stanadyne.

"You kiddin'? I'm gonna miss you like hell. C'mere." Eskel wrapped Lambert in a bear bug that nearly crushed his goddamn ribs. 

"Easy, Eskel, Jesus I gotta breathe!" 

"Sorry," Eskel eased off, but he didn't let go. There hadn't been enough hugs in the last year. The last few months had barely made up for it, and now there would be far fewer. More dinners over Skype, more sporadic phone calls, occasional texts... watching his and Aiden's life unfold over Instagram and Facebook. But at least they would be happy, Eskel told himself. At least they were starting the next stage of their lives together with an adventure they'd remember forever. This was important for them. And yet the chill, damp fog of isolation was already creeping in around Eskel. Even as he held Lambert close to him and swallowed tears he'd save for later. 

One final squeeze and a pat on the back, and Lambert turned to get in the car, tossing a treat to Anya as he settled in. Aiden gave Eskel a final peck on the cheek, "Take care of yourself, alright? Don't be a stranger. Call, text, whatever. We're always happy to hear from you. Promise?"

Eskel nodded soberly, "I will. Thanks, Aiden." 

"We'll skype when we get to the new place. I want you to see it before it gets cluttered with boxes. We could even do dinner or—"

Eskel waved a hand, "We'll figure something out. Just get there in one piece, and send pictures. I'm not worried." 

Aiden smiled warmly, "Good. Good." A heavy exhale, "Alright, well..." 

"I hate to interrupt the bleeding hearts moment, but we've got commuter traffic piling up on the 606 as we speak! Get your gorgeous butt in the car, we gotta move!"

Aiden took a beat, "Yes dear!" 

"Okay, Anya! You be good!" Eskel gave the chocolate-and-caramel pup one last scritch behind the ears and closed the rear door just in time for the stereo to start playing Journey.

The car rolled down the driveway and Eskel watched until it disappeared over the hill past the stop sign. When the gravelly diesel purr was finally drowned out by late summer cicadas, Eskel sat heavily on the front steps with his coffee. He couldn't bring himself to open the door and go back inside. Something about the stark emptiness of a home previously occupied with guests made the aimless silence too loud. Besides, robins and cardinals were better than daytime tv for company. Finally, Eskel rested his forehead against his thumbs and let the wave of emotion breach the dam.

Shedding tears was something Eskel usually associated with significant pain—rage, grief, remorse, indignation—an open wound that took time and tending to heal. This wasn't like that, though. This was a scratch. Simple, uncomplicated pain: he was sad. Eskel couldn't remember the last time he'd cried because he was just... sad. Decades ago, he imagined, though he couldn't pinpoint a specific moment. It was something children did before emotions became more complicated. But here he was, sitting on his front steps, crying because he was sad. Eyes streaming, hot and wet down his cheeks because his friends were leaving. Just a scratch.

He felt silly, crying over something so inconsequential— and a man as touch-needy as Eskel, bearlike as he was, was left with the sinking feeling that, aside from Geralt, he might not touch another person for a rather long time.

It's not that they didn't have friends, of course, and he would talk to them later that night. He was helping to plan their wedding for chrissake, it's not like they would never speak again. But proximity to other people was something that had grown increasingly scarce, and Eskel—bearlike as he was—had the sinking feeling that, aside from Geralt, he might not touch another person for a while. 

Lambert and Aiden had an uncomplicated relationship with affection that always freed Eskel from the burden of second-guessing the odd touch to a shoulder or elbow. So many others had different personal spaces, many of which had expanded recently. Eskel was happy to respect, and accommodate, but Eskel always felt most himself when he could be affectionate with the people he cared about, and with those two gone, it suddenly felt as though a part of his identity was being forced back into shadow and shyness.

Eskel felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and he sniffed loudly before answering. "Yup? Geralt, hi. Yeah, they just-just left. I'm ok-I'm okay. You know. Goodbyes are never easy. How's the conference? Heh. Good, good. Tell him I send my regards... Listen, I should get to work. No, I’m okay, I'll call you later... Will do. I l— I love you, too, hon. Buh-bye.” 

Eskel hung up the phone and stared quietly at the bird feeder for a few more minutes before going back inside, feeling as though something in the cosmos had shifted. 

[that-bajan-kid]

Boku No Hero Academia Chapter 268 SPOILERS

(This might be trash cause I'm in a shitty mood today but I wanted to do this anyway so here)

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

YOU'RE STILL HERE??! CRUST WHAT THE FUCK.

The hell you mean "What's going on, Crust?" You can clearly see what's going on. I swear these blind ass manga charaters-

(Edit: That "worry not" came from Aizawa and not from Endeavour like previously thought.)

Finally. God damn. I thought Erasure didn't work on the Noumu. Or maybe because he can only do one quirk at a time?

This chapter being called "Scramble" does not fill me with much hope.

Are we sure we wanna leave Crust alone with that Noumu? He was struggling so hard with the last one.

Endeavour punches a hole through the round Noumu's skull, which Horikoshi was more than happy to show us in excruciating detail, and was quite surprised to find multiple layers of bone in this dude's face.

While this is happening Aizawa yells at Endeavour to hurry up and do the thing he's already doing while thinking about how the girl Noumu and the Elephant Noumu blocked his line of sight of the Stabby McStab Noumu.

Is it just me or does her other arm look broken? Also what's up with these narrations? This coupled with the title has me a little on edge hare.

Miruko is reminding me an awful lot of Hawks when he was facing down Dabi and Twice right now. That confrontation ended with Twice dying. I have an increasingly bad feeling about this.

(Edit: I just realised they're all thinking in the past tense. Is this them narrating from the future? Like, while they give their statement or something. Very interesting indeed. Hmmm.)

How the hell is he in a tank full of liquid and his lips still look crusty? There really is no hope for him, huh?

Also, I can't tell if those are his eyes or his eyebrows but either way he looks terrifying. I am fully expecting him to open his eyes like the supposedly "dead" villains/monsters in horror movies do.

Guard it or break it? Cause that's what it looks like you're about to do. I still think it's a terrible plan but go off, Queen.

Miruko said "disregard my last statement" and shatters the tank, much to me and Ujiko's horror.

I stand by my former statement that this is a really bad idea.

Shigaraki is 74% complete, meaning he only went up by 3% since we last saw him. I feel like we're gonna have an unstable, op Shigaraki running around. Well, even more unstable than usual.

HORIKOSHI DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE. LEAVE MY MAN , AIZAWA SHOUTA, ALONE.

Good. Aizawa better stay alive and with all his senses fully functional too. I think I'd probably be more upset if he lost his sight than if he actually died. Don't get me wrong, if dies I'm gonna real fucking pissed, but loosing his sight means loosing his quirk and I think that would probably break him.

Miss Feme Fatale over here is becoming more stable. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad Miruko is alright for now but I really wish Endeavour took out these to Noumu first. If Mic or Aizawa get hurt imma be real sad.

That better not be blood I see in that panel with Aizawa.

Endeavour are you fucking kidding me? You didn't immediately kill it? WHY?!?!? FUCK.

Stabby McStab goes after Miruko again and successfully impales her other leg and her remaining good arm, but Miruko said not today Satan and proceeded to use Crecent Moon Kick on Shigaraki to make sure he doesn't get up. Or to kill him. I'm not sure yet. Oh and he's at 75% now. I'm just patiently waiting for the other shoe to drop at this point.

A bunch of Ujiko's shit starts exploding but he's starting to look decidedly less worried and that concerns me. She is, however, unsuccessful in taking out Shigaraki it would seem. Stabby is dragging her away and she looks very disappointed and angry, so I'm assuming the kick didn't land.

Also, completely unrelated, Ujiko's goggles' got lenses again. That's cool.

Ok so I don't fully understand what's happening in this panel but it looks like Endeavour flew farward to catch Miruko. Ujiko is freaking out again.

I should have just read the next panel. Miruko didn't shatter the tank she cracked it. A lot. And Endeavour was flying forward to catch her. The cracks in the tank start to spread and water, or whatever it is, start spouting out through said cracks. Miruko tells Enji (I'm getting tired of typing out his hero name) that Shigaraki is in the tank and that he would kill him. This kinda feels like Ending all over again. I wonder if he'll go through with it this time.

GUESS WE'LL HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE.

If you didn't want him to wake up why did you break the tank????

Aizawa and Mic look like their ready to kill some bitches. And by bitches I mean Ujiko.

"Go grab your answer" what answer? Are we talking about Shiragiri?

(Edit: the answer is yes they are talking about him cause that's Shirakumo right in the middle of the panel from when they went to see Kurugiri. You can't really see it properly because of how dark it is but I'm sure viz will have a better version.)

So, no chapter next week. Everyone say thanks to Covid Alfonso 19, as my prelim chem lecturer would affectionately call him.

I whole heartedly believe Shigaraki is going to wake up and that someone is gonna die as a result. The way things are looking Miruko might die either way which would be bad. I would very much like her to not die.

I don't really have much else to say about this chapter.

Until next time.

[trilobiter]

I was going to ignore this, but upon reflection I am actually pissed off enough not to.

Biden was not trying to be "reassuring". He was speaking dismissively of a particularly idiotic pro-Second Amendment argument, namely that Americans need powerful weapons in order to be prepared to rise up via militias and overthrow a tyrannical government. This is an old argument and it has been rendered increasingly more ridiculous by the reality of the U.S. military's overwhelming firepower. But conservatives still make the argument, because their base of gun nuts loves it and they have never learned not to play with fire.

This is not Biden saying "worry not America, we have the means to destroy all who oppose us". He is saying "do not waste my time with foolish arguments grounded in eighteenth century logic". The reality is that the government possesses overwhelming firepower, and whether that is a good thing or a bad thing (and I'm definitely not saying it's a good thing), it would be utterly disastrous if private citizens had the ability to form militias that could truly match it. I should not have to explain to you why; if you don't get it, we cannot be friends.

But beyond that, look at the way this information is being presented. It's an image without a link, so there's no way to see Biden's remarks in context or to evaluate his tone, unless you actually go searching for it yourself. And I know that you haven't.

Furthermore, look at the source. The thumbnail is from Fox News, which should already be sending up alarm bells for any one who knows the first thing about the American news media landscape, namely that Fox is and always has been an organ of the Republican party and will reliably present Democratic politicians in an unflattering light. I understand that not all of you are old enough to remember Fox in the days of the Bush administration or even the Obama administration, but I know you remember the Trump administration and you have no excuse for not knowing how these people operate. Learn your history.

But the source of this tweet is not Fox News, per se. It's the Post Millenial, and I quote from wikipedia:

"The Post Millennial is a conservative Canadian online news magazine started in 2017. It publishes national and local news and has a large amount of opinion content. It has been criticized for publishing COVID-19 disinformation and for its opaque funding and political connections."

As for the tweet itself, it was made by disclose.tv, a site that is also home to vaccine disinformation and other conspiracy theory content.

Now, let me digress for the briefest of moments. I argued against giving Biden the nomination. I am aware of all his faults. I voted for him with full awareness that we did not share all the same priorities, and that some of his positions were contrary to mine. But as unfortunate as it is to have to make choices like that, it is downright infuriating to see people so invested in the "Biden is just Blue Trump" narrative that they'll suck blindly at the teats of the conservative media sphere that has, as an overriding agenda, the support of politicians like ACTUAL TRUMP.

This tweet was designed to make Biden look like a militaristic tyrant, and you fell for it. It distorted the truth, and you couldn't tell the difference, because at some point you decided that positive news was propaganda but negative news was unquestionable.

You are not immune to propaganda. STOP. BEING. SUCKERS.

this is such an insane thing for the president of the united states to say as justification for gun control like literally the least reassuring statement possible

[tombeane-blog]

Looking Up From The Rabbit Hole

If you think that after two years of masks and vaccinations, it won't be much longer and our lives will return to normal...

...."Your Honor, I present people's exhibits 1) and 2)."

1) "...at the University of Denver, school administrators are already making staff and students take saliva tests for COVID every nine days on top of providing proof of vaccination.... But now they’re upping their game to the next level....and the school will now require proof of having been vaccinated against the flu." ....I won't say I told ya so but... 2) Remember the shoe bomber? "Richard Reid failed when, a few months after 9/11, he attempted to detonate the bomb in his shoe on a transatlantic airliner headed for Miami. He was subdued by passengers and crew as he kept lighting matches seeking to ignite a fuse protruding from his shoe." It's been 20 years since this one lone incompetent attempt failed and we still have to take our shoes off before boarding a plane. I was worried about inflation but now I'm feeling all buttery and bettery because...

...here is the Secretary of Transportation explaining the cause of inflation.

"Demand is up," Buttigieg said, "because income is up, because the president has successfully guided this economy out of the teeth of a terrifying recession."

First, I know I'm getting forgetful in my old age but I don't remember a terrifying recession...but even so, gasoline is heading towards $5/Gal, store shelves are increasingly empty and poor little Cindy's Christmas is now in peril. Please stop making our lives better.(p.s. if you have noticed it is more difficult to find toilet paper, it's because I have it.)

And finally, the scary news of the day:

"Amazon Employee Group Seeks Vote on Unionization"

Think what happens if Amazon employees go on a nationwide strike....

https://www.foxnews.com/media/buttigieg-under-fire-for-explanation-of-supply-chain-disruptions-we-guided-country-out-of-recession

https://hotair.com/jazz-shaw/2021/10/20/forget-covid-university-of-denver-makes-a-different-vaccine-mandatory-n423596

[xtruss]

Dread at 30,000 Ft: Inside the Increasingly Violent World of US Flight Attendants

— Francesca Street, CNN

(CNN) — Working as a flight attendant previously afforded Mitra Amirzadeh the freedom to explore the world -- taking her from her home in Florida to destinations including Kenya, France and Spain.

As the pandemic spread, the perks of Amirzadeh's job diminished. Now restricted to domestic US flights, her work involves navigating not only the fear of catching Covid-19, but also the recent uptick in disruptive passengers.

"I'm dealing with a lot of babysitting, which I never counted on doing," Amirzadeh, who works for a low-cost US airline, tells CNN Travel. "The actual children on board behave better than the grown adults do."

This summer, unruly passenger behavior seems to have reached new heights. In one incident, a passenger punched a Southwest flight attendant and knocked out two of their teeth. Video also circulated of a passenger getting taped to their seat after they reportedly punched and groped Frontier Airlines flight crew.

The Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) said it has issued more than $1 million in fines to unruly airline passengers so far in 2021.

US flight attendants tell CNN Travel say the stress of the situation is taking its toll,

Susannah Carr, who works for a major US airline, says unruly incidents used to be "the exception, not the rule." Now they're "frequent."

"I come in expecting to get push back. I come in expecting to have a passenger that could potentially get violent," she says.

Amirzadeh says flight attendants across US airlines are just "over it."

Allie Malis, a flight attendant for American Airlines, says air crew are "exhausted -- physically and emotionally."

"We've gone through worrying about our health and safety, worrying about our jobs -- now [we are] worrying about our safety in a different way."

The Rise of Air Rage

There seems to be a rise in unruly passengers on board US airplanes. Pictured here: airplanes at Miami International Airport in August 2021. Daniel Slim/AFP via Getty Images

Pre-pandemic, the issue of unruly passengers was becoming increasingly omnipresent — data from the International Air Transport Association (IATA) suggested incidents rose from 2012 to 2015, while whole conferences were dedicated to the problem.

This increase was often linked to cabins getting fuller, with increased security checks and processes adding to tension.

In 2019, Malis, who is also the government affairs representative at the Association of Professional Flight Attendants, a union representing American Airlines air crew, spoke to CNN Travel about the decrease of personal seat space. She said her union believed it is "strongly correlated and in a large part to blame" for the rise in incidents.

Alcohol is also an often cited contributing factor -- travelers drink at the airport and board the plane without crew realizing how inebriated they are. When it all kicks off at 30,000 feet, it's too late.

That said, it has always been hard to get an exact handle on whether passengers have actually become more unruly. Not every airline that's part of IATA submits data, and not every airline records every instance of unruly behavior, while separate FAA data recorded oscillating numbers of investigated incidents between 1995 and 2019.

There have been suggestions that incidents just started to feel more ubiquitous in recent years because social media means videos of badly behaved passengers spread like wildfire.

But while FAA data might show fluctuating figures for much of the past 20 years, in 2021, incidents seem to have skyrocketed. In 2019, 146 investigations were initiated by the FAA. So far in 2021 that number is 727.

Covid-19 seems to have exacerbated an already existing issue to an unprecedented degree, at least in the US.

Amirzadeh recalls the silent flights of spring 2020. People were too fearful to even look at other passengers or air crew, she says, let alone cause conflict.

By summer 2020, travel had recommenced and reports of in-flight disruptions were back. Masks -- not yet mandated by the FAA, but enforced by some airlines -- were becoming a sore topic among some travelers.

In recent months, unruly behavior has reached new heights.

"It just seems like every next incident is getting a little bit more extreme, things you just would have never imagined last year," says Malis.

"As a flight attendant, it's really hard to imagine yourself being in a position that requires duct taping a passenger to their seats for the safety of everyone else on the plane, yet this is something that has happened numerous times in the last few months."

Malis says she feels like incidents have been on a steady rise since the January 6 attack on the US Capitol. It also involved disruptive behavior on planes and led to the Association of Flight Attendants-CWA (AFA) International -- which represents American flight attendants at 17 airlines — stating rioters should not be allowed on flights home.

"I think the insurrection was kind of an eye-opening experience," Malis says. "What do you do when you have multiple incidents happening on the plane at the same time with only four crew members?"

“I come in expecting to get pushback. I come in expecting to have a passenger that could potentially get violent.” — Susannah Carr, flight attendant

A survey by the AFA released in July of this year found that, of the 5,000 flight attendants surveyed, 85% said they'd dealt with unruly passengers in 2021.

Disruptive passengers had used sexist, racist and/or homophobic language, according to 61%, while 17% said they'd been victim of a physical attack this year.

"I thought I had seen or done or heard at all," says Amirzadeh, who has flown for six years and previously worked in customer service.

"But as I've learned the past 18 months, that is definitely not the case, I am seeing, hearing and doing things I never thought in my life I would ever be doing."

Flying During Covid-19

Masks are mandated by law in the US on federal property and on public transportation, including airplanes. Joe Raedle/Getty Images

Many incidents are linked with mask non-compliance, which the flight attendants who spoke to CNN Travel say has been an issue throughout the pandemic.

Even though it's now FAA-mandated and federal law, the wearing of masks remain the cause of the majority of inflight issues. In a press release dated August 19, the FAA says it had received approximately 3,889 reports of unruly behavior by passengers since January 1. Of those reports, 2,867 were passengers refusing to comply with the mask mandate.

"In the beginning, I would sympathize and say, 'Hey, you know, I get it, it's hot, I'm hot. I'm wearing it too -- I need you to wear it too. Can we please work together?'" says Amirzadeh.

"But here we are, it's been a year and a half, you're wearing them everywhere. And we're not the only ones that are asking you to wear them -- every train station, every bus, every airline..."

Carr says she thinks the problem is that mask-wearing is sometimes viewed as a political issue in the United States.

"The mask issue was less about public health and it was more politicized in the beginning. And that is something we're still dealing with today," she says.

Amirzadeh says fraught mask-related interactions often come as a result of passengers removing their face covering to eat or drink, and then keeping it off. It's one of the reasons she thinks alcohol shouldn't be served on planes currently.

“It just seems like every next incident is getting a little bit more extreme, things you just would have never imagined last year” — Allie Malis, American Airlines flight attendant

Carr agrees and also questions the availability of to-go drinks at the airport.

Still, not serving alcohol can be the cause of issues too -- as Malis has found on board American Airlines, which continues to ban alcohol in its main cabins on board most flights.

"On some of my flights it's caused people to get upset, because they do want to feel like they have a right to have a drink -- but at the same time [...] if you're getting so upset because you can't have a drink right now, that's the exact reason we're kind of afraid to give you one, that kind of erratic behavior," says Malis.

For some passengers, travel may feel more stressful and anxiety-inducing in the age of Covid. Carr suggests this -- and the stresses we've all been under during the pandemic -- are a contributing factor to the rise in incidents.

"We've been isolated for the last 18-plus months," she says. "So I think some of the social graces have kind of been put on the back burner, as far as what's acceptable in public and on an airplane."

Malis wants passengers to realize that the stresses and anxieties they might be feeling about traveling in the age of Covid-19 are also shared by many crew, even if they seem like "a very accessible punching bag."

"We've been putting ourselves on the front line, and quarantining from our families," she says. "We're doing our job, we're not the reason your flight got canceled, we're not the reason you're frustrated."

The ubiquity of events on social media also leads Malis to suggest there could be a "copycat factor."

To reverse this, Amirzadeh says it's important for people to realize that the passengers who've gone viral are paying the price.

Dealing with Incidents

Flight attendants are getting self-defense training as the number of unruly passengers is on the rise. CNN's Pete Muntean reports.

Flight attendants are safety professionals trained in dealing with everything from a medical emergency to a potential terrorist incident.

"We're not here to serve you a Coke, we're here to save your life," is how Amirzadeh puts it.

But there's the concern, she says, that dealing with unruly passengers could prevent crew from dealing with other issues on board.

"We are the people that are going to give you CPR, we're the people that are going to give you the Heimlich maneuver, we are the people that are going to put out the fire. But we might miss those things if we're too busy arguing with someone else about putting their mask on."

Malis says dealing with unruly passengers is a team effort -- if a passenger seems to have taken against a particular flight attendant, another crew member stepping in could calm them down.

Carr says she keeps tabs on mask-wearing from the moment travelers step onto the plane, and will first offer a friendly reminder.

If someone continues not to comply, there are several warning steps culminating in the traveler getting handed a card stating that if they continue, they'll be reported to the airline and could lose travel privileges.

As Amirzadeh points out, a flight attendant can't force someone to wear a mask.

"But I can let him know that if he doesn't, then I hope that wherever we're landing is his final destination, because his return ticket's going to be canceled, we're going to file a report with the FAA, and you could face fines, and other legal ramifications."

Flight attendants are also able to take self defense classes organized via the Transportation Security Administration.

"I think more and more flight attendants need to start taking some self defense classes and need to be prepared to protect themselves and that's a sad thing," says Amirzadeh.

On January 13, 2021, the FAA signed an order directing a stricter legal enforcement policy against unruly airline passengers, promising a zero-tolerance campaign.

Any passenger who "assaults, threatens, intimidates, or interferes with airline crew members" could face fines of up to $35,000 and prison time.

The FAA also recently launched a public awareness campaign, which includes a video, as well as some social media memes.

The agency has also asked US airports to ensure law enforcement on the ground deals with reported inflight incidents, as well as consider issues associated with to-go alcohol.

The AFA flight attendant union is pressing for the zero tolerance policy to become permanent.

"It's also important that the Department of Justice is prosecuting some of these events," says Carr. "These unruly passenger events have been so egregious, flight attendants have been attacked, and injured [...] in situations like that, it's important that they're facing criminal prosecution and that's something that needs to be publicized as well."

Malis also suggests there should be further coordination between airlines to ensure passengers banned from one airline can't board other US carriers.

Carr and Amirzadeh are both members of the AFA flight attendant union, while Malis is involved in the American Airlines' union.

They say flight attendants have been sharing stories with their unions and their private networks -- across carriers -- providing support and solidarity.

The AFA union is offering employee assistance via therapy sessions.

"There are certainly flight attendants that definitely need a break physically, mentally, and emotionally. But right now, the staffing is not there to support any type of voluntary leave option," says Malis.

State of the Travel Industry

Some flight attendants are concerned travel could shut down again. Photo by Joe Raedle/Getty Images

After a difficult year of furlough and redundancies, flight attendants are concerned that the dual effect of Covid-19 and unruly passengers could see aviation grind to a halt again.

Carr says one of the joys of her job has always been supporting passengers on their travels -- whether they're heading on a long-dreamed-of vacation, traveling under difficult circumstances or anything in between.

"I love this industry and my coworkers and having the traveling public back is wonderful," she says. "But the pandemic is far from over. That is a reality. Covid-19 and the variants are still taking lives."

The last thing Carr and her colleagues want to see is travel stalling again.

"We are doing everything we can to keep passengers safe on board and keep travel going, but without the support of the traveling public -- without people taking those necessary steps to mitigate the spread, and help get a handle on this pandemic -- we could be facing travel closing again, which would be horrible."